Do you still check if they are breathing?
When my daughter, our first child, was born nearly four years ago, she obviously slept in our room initially. I slept very little for the first few nights, not because she was crying (that came a few days later) but because I was paranoid that she would stop breathing at any moment.
I would lie awake in the very small hours making as little noise as possible so as not to wake my exhausted wife. In the darkness my hearing became hyper-sensitive, listening for the slightest movement or sound from our brand new little baby.
As soon as I heard her move slightly, or sigh, or let out a little whimper, I knew she was alright and the sense of relief was immense. I hadn’t realised just how tense I was until I relaxed at that moment.
With the arrival of our second baby, I was just as bad, but he was a noisy sleeper. So most of the time I knew, sub-consciously, that he was Ok and I could go back to sleep. It didn’t stop me waking up regularly to check though.
Now they are both older and a little more robust (my daughter is nearly 4 and my son nearly 18 months), I am not so worried or paranoid. But there are times when I miss that vulnerability in them, that helpless stage when they rely entirely on you as their parent for everything. It is hard to describe how that feels at the time, you feel strong and uncontrollably paternal, and fiercely protective, all at the same time.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want those days back permanently or anything like that. But as they both grow older, especially H who is now at Nursery and then proper school in September, I know they don’t need me and their Mum quite as much, and it makes me sad and a little bit remorseful.
The reason I am writing this post? A few weeks ago I had several days in one week where I got home from work after the kids were in bed, and I hadn’t seen them before I left either. I walked past their door that night, they were both sound asleep, and I had the strongest paternal urge I’ve ever had since either of them had moved out of our room. I just wanted to run in to their room and grab them and make sure everything was Ok, and make sure I hadn’t missed anything from those few days.
I couldn’t of course, and I didn’t dare even to creep in and sit on their beds to check either because our kids are so easy to wake up (a bit like me) and so difficult to get back to sleep again (like me).
So I just stood there at the door, listening to their heavy, contented, breathing, and I was immediately reminded of what I told you about at the start of this post.
If you are a parent, how about you? Ever caught yourself checking they are still breathing?
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