saddad.net

First an apology

It has been more than a bit quiet here for a while, in fact it has been dead here for many months. I must apologise, although I suspect I am talking to myself here anyway, but that’s fine.

The main reason for the lack of posting is that life has been, and continues to be, really hectic. As my kids grow older they seem to be even more demanding of me and my time.  No-one told me this, I thought it was going to be the other way, and that they needed you most when they are babies!

It’s not the changing of nappies, feeding and night-time waking so much nowadays (although at least several of those are still occurring together) it is the requirement for active involvement all the time.  I am not complaining, I’m just saying that it takes so much effort that it leaves me with very little enthusiasm and energy for anything else.

Part of this is just me getting older, I feel like I should have had my kids 10 years ago, but I really didn’t want them in my twenties, I was too busy having a social life and those things where you go to another Country and sit on a beach and just relax, read a book, and drink fully inclusive booze from 10:00 a.m., what were they called now….?

Holidays from Hell

Holidays are NOT the same once you have kids in tow. Relaxing is not really part of any holiday any more, instead there is far more to worry about and organise.  Again, I am not complaining, I am just telling it like it is.

Holidays with kids are rarely fun for the adults, at least, in my experience of taking a 5 and 2 year old along (as well as in the 5 years before now since they arrived).

And yet, being the Sad Dad that I am, I wouldn’t really want to go away for more than a couple of days without my kids, because I love them to bits and want to share all the good stuff with them and their Mum.

So that is where the rollercoaster of emotions comes in.  One minute you could all be having a laugh at some family attraction, thinking that this is what you are supposed to be like, and that the Apple, Disney and Gap adverts were based on you and your family.

Then just milliseconds later something happens making one, or both, of your kids to have a complete meltdown.  This will invariably be in front of all the other (seemingly perfect) families and even worse the non-children owning people around you (who already think you shouldn’t have kids there when they came on holiday to relax and get away from all of that).

So your day takes a quick nosedive into parental hell and you want to do nothing other than chuck the kids in the car and scarper back to your accommodation, out of sight of everyone and their accusing glares, while you guilt trip your kids into behaving tomorrow or we won’t go to ‘the family attraction we have been promising for months to keep you quiet at home’.

That’s just one of the dips in the parenting rollercoaster.  I have more to relate, but that is probably enough for today.

I do intend to write more, just for my own sanity really, so if you want to help me out, please subscribe or check back soon for more of my musings, or not, you decide, I’ll be here talking to myself either way.

Continue Reading

I love my kids, sometimes they make me laugh, sometimes I am super-proud, other times I am an emotional wreck, but happy; all because of the things that they do or say. I report all of this stuff on their personal blogs which only family and close friends see. But what I don’t tend to report over on their personal blogs is the less positive side of being a Dad, that’s what this place is for (as well as the good stuff about being a Dad of course, just look at any of my earlier posts).

Today, I was just wanted to talk about how very, very, tired, nay exhausted, I feel all the time (by the way, this includes my Wife, she feels this way too). It isn’t just today either. It has been going on for many months now, so long that I am not sure at all when the tiredness began. Actually, if I were to think about it carefully enough, it began soon after my Daughter was born over 4 years ago, when the sleepless nights started.

Yes, that’s it! It started with those nights where you are woken up every two hours to feed your new baby or change their nappy (which you do with your eyes still closed).  I honestly don’t think I have ever caught up on my sleep since then. Every night it is a real struggle to stay awake until about 10:30 p.m.

I have a lovely mid-range mountain bike sat gathering dust; I have unfinished iMovie projects on various hard drives; I have hundreds of photos that need processing in Lightroom and tens more that need keywording, editing and uploading to Flickr from iPhoto; as well as nearly 1000 unread news items in my RSS feed reader, not to mention hours and hours of Twitter stream to catch up on (you know, just in case I missed something really important). Yet, I haven’t got the energy to even start on these tasks, let alone finish any of them.

That is precisely why this is the first post here for several months, it was the start of Spring (well, April) the last time I posted, and it is the middle of Summer now!

And then there is everyday life that requires some attention too. You know, spending time with the Kids, eating, drinking, going to work…

I think there is a cumulative effect of many years of disturbed and reduced sleep patterns. This has all built up to make me feel like I do now.

And, of course, I feel guilty. Partly for neglecting things, but most of all for not enjoying the early years of Fatherhood, and my Childrens’ lives so far, as much as everyone tells me I should be.

Is it just me? Do other Parents, or for that matter does anyone else, feel the same way?

Comments very welcome!

Continue Reading

When my daughter, our first child, was born nearly four years ago, she obviously slept in our room initially. I slept very little for the first few nights, not because she was crying (that came a few days later) but because I was paranoid that she would stop breathing at any moment.

I would lie awake in the very small hours making as little noise as possible so as not to wake my exhausted wife. In the darkness my hearing became hyper-sensitive, listening for the slightest movement or sound from our brand new little baby.

As soon as I heard her move slightly, or sigh, or let out a little whimper, I knew she was alright and the sense of relief was immense. I hadn’t realised just how tense I was until I relaxed at that moment.

With the arrival of our second baby, I was just as bad, but he was a noisy sleeper. So most of the time I knew, sub-consciously, that he was Ok and I could go back to sleep. It didn’t stop me waking up regularly to check though.

Now they are both older and a little more robust (my daughter is nearly 4 and my son nearly 18 months), I am not so worried or paranoid. But there are times when I miss that vulnerability in them, that helpless stage when they rely entirely on you as their parent for everything. It is hard to describe how that feels at the time, you feel strong and uncontrollably paternal, and fiercely protective, all at the same time.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want those days back permanently or anything like that. But as they both grow older, especially H who is now at Nursery and then proper school in September, I know they don’t need me and their Mum quite as much, and it makes me sad and a little bit remorseful.

The reason I am writing this post? A few weeks ago I had several days in one week where I got home from work after the kids were in bed, and I hadn’t seen them before I left either. I walked past their door that night, they were both sound asleep, and I had the strongest paternal urge I’ve ever had since either of them had moved out of our room. I just wanted to run in to their room and grab them and make sure everything was Ok, and make sure I hadn’t missed anything from those few days.

I couldn’t of course, and I didn’t dare even to creep in and sit on their beds to check either because our kids are so easy to wake up (a bit like me) and so difficult to get back to sleep again (like me).

So I just stood there at the door, listening to their heavy, contented, breathing, and I was immediately reminded of what I told you about at the start of this post.

If you are a parent, how about you?  Ever caught yourself checking they are still breathing?

Continue Reading

I don’t know about you, but when something is really good I want to tell someone about it. Actually, when something is really bad I also usually want to tell someone about just how bad it is. And sometimes, when stuff is just middling, I might want to at least mention it to someone else.

Well, that’s why this blog is here.

As my ‘About’ page mentions, I have two lovely children (not that I am at all biased), and I am constantly aware that my time with them is never to be repeated. As of this writing, my Daughter is 3½ years old, and my Son is 15 months old, and every day they do or say something new.

I am a sentimentalist, I admit it. So I have tried to capture these not-to-be-repeated moments in photographs, video, and blogs for each of the kids, which are for family and friends to look at and comment on.

This blog is about some of the above, and a place for me to vent, reach out to other parents, talk about the tough stuff, the fantastic moments, and to try and give an insight into my, and quite often my wife’s, journey through this madness that is called Parenthood.

I hope that you will join me, and check back often to see what we are up to and our current trials and triumphs as a family. Please leave comments if you want and share your thoughts, but keep it clean!

Continue Reading